Floating and Free

I did it. I deleted my Fakebook account. One by one, I am removing from my life the things and relationships that no longer give me joy, ones that keep me stuck in a tap dance of trying to gain approval.

I feel light and free.

I see this state as my reward for months of work I've been doing to change my brain. Ginny, my DBT therapist for three years, called it cognitive remapping. I thank IFS, EMDR, Lion's Mane and her allies, my close friends and my fellows on the path of recovery, hundreds of authors of good books and content creators who put out powerful, life-changing YouTube videos. I also have my partner to thank. He's a Taoist without knowing it. Thought he's never sat on a cushion with Ajahn Chah in the jungles of Thailand, but he's as Zen chill as almost anyone I've ever met. He lets me be who I am, and I let him be who he is. Being with him is healing.

*****

My old dharma teacher, Sheila Duke, used to say, "Likes and dislikes are of the ego."

I feel that right now.

Coming right on the heels of all that work was my brother's death. I had the privilege of being one of his two death doulas. What holy work. What sacred work--the labor of dying and the love labor of accompanying someone as they die! It left me adrift, euphoric one minute and wracked with agonizing guilt the next. My already wobbly ego was dealt another unmooring blow.

The things I used to like, I'm not sure I still like. The things that used to drive me batty no longer rattle me at all. I am free. I know some of what has loosened its grip today may tighten back up tomorrow, but for today, my fight-or-flight response has calmed way, way down. Everything feels LOWER STAKES.

I've watched a couple of videos about spiritual awakening, and I now know that it isn't all rosy. I feel on some days that the parts that were once very much in control want to make a come-back. So yes, there are days of backlash. But it's okay. I can acknowledge those parts and have a little chat with each one. I see you, my darling. I know you only want me to be safe and well. Thank you. I'm okay. We're okay. 

As Julian of Norwich said, all shall be well and all shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.