When the People Pleaser Part Relaxes

My penultimate post said something about an Irish Goodbye. I hope I didn't give anyone the idea that I'm ambivalent about my relationship with my partner. Quite to the contrary, I am struggling with what to continue doing and what to stop doing with my time and energy precisely because I want to be sure that I am carving out enough time in my week and leaving myself with enough energy to nurture what I consider to be my first relationship with a healthy person since I became healthier and healed *enough* from past trauma to co-create a healthy, secure, long-lasting partnership.

My partner is one of the kindest people I've ever met. Canoe Club members have told me that even when all hell is breaking loose with kayaks flipped over or gear floating away, this man remains calm. He is quick to forgive (or not cast blame to begin with), and he is non-judgmental. They also mentioned his generosity; when all kayaks have been hoisted back atop vehicles, he announces, "Now let's all go for ice cream--my treat!"

This relationship is proving to me that attachment and trauma authors and gurus I was following online were absolutely correct when they said that the real healing would come IN relationship.

But back to my original point. After four years of program work, a couple years of DBT, six months of EMDR (the last few sessions being psychedelically assisted), I had the breakthrough I was hoping for. My inner bully is relaxing. The part of my mind that tells me I must be all things to all people has backed off. The person in my head who taunts me if I'm five minutes late or my socks aren't the right color for the rest of my outfit has taken up knitting. 

That's wonderful news, isn't it? Yes, it is. 

But it leaves me not knowing which things in my life I am doing because they delight me and give back to me in ways that make my investment of time, money or energy worthwhile and which things I've been doing only because my therapist said it would be a good idea (and it probably was at the time) or because I was/am seeking approval from a group or mentor or society at large. 

So I try to tune into my body's compass. It's hard learning to trust myself after a lifetime of self-betrayal and self-abandonment.

This week I had a victory. My boyfriend, once again, suggested a group outing as my second kayaking experience, and once again I stood up for myself. My entire body shrank down, retracted, and BEGGED me to say no. So I said no. Second and third refusals have historically been extremely challenging for me. I can say no once, but twice is harder, and three times is almost impossible. I either cave or just leave. In two instances, I agreed to MARRIAGE after several NOs. I let the person browbeat me into, yes, a major life decision. As a teen, I often allowed my body to be used simply because the other person wore me down.

The kayak group outing is an example of tuning into my body in a good way and getting good guidance. But! I fear that sometimes I can't tell the difference between good guidance from tuning into my body and plain old fashioned laziness or reclusiveness. If left to my own devices, I would probably not have many friends and would possibly allow my world to shrink, shrink, shrink.

On Wednesday, which is when my guy and I hunker down in a quiet spot to be extra affectionate and talk about the deeper things, I brought up the notion that closed-energy system relationships are not healthy. Each of us needs to maintain our respective friendships and hobbies.

That's where I'm struggling. I feel a strong need to pull back right now from various commitments and volunteer work, but how much of that is a healthy need for a change or for a break and how much is that my unhealthy tendency to completely withdraw and become hermit-like? One wise friend told me not to make any major decisions until after winter, as many of us turn into cave dwellers in the cold months. She said April. Wait till April. And, if I was still wanting to withdraw from my groups, I should maintain contact with the couple of people in each group with whom I have developed closer friendships.

I welcome your thoughts.

This is my view from where we kiss goodnight each Wednesday.