Getting to Know Myself

 I listened to a wonderful dharma talk by Venerable Nick the other day about no longer abandoning ourselves. He told his story of having been a people pleaser for years. When he finally broke free from that, he realized that very little about his current life was in alignment with his true values. He did not even know what his favorite color was because he had always slinked along under the radar trying not to make waves, trying to keep everyone around him happy, saying "whatever you want" to every question.

Fortunately, I can report that my condition is not that bad. I began years ago removing the layers of inauthenticity. Because so much masking began in childhood and is unconscious, this onion-layer process is ongoing. It's not linear, either. Sometimes I go months or years thinking I'm living in alignment with my values only to have an external event or some teachings come my way that jolt me into another phase of excavation. 

Recently I realized that I wanted to take a break, perhaps a very long or even permanent break, from my faith group. One way that I have masked my natural way of being in the world in order to conform to society's norms and to my own ambitions regarding spiritual discipline has been trying to learn to sit for an hour. I've tried the Buddhist cushion and I've tried the Quaker circle. Know what? I think I'm done trying to force myself to sit. I will do walking meditation or swimming meditation or maybe no meditation (only moment-by-moment mindfulness); I will no longer force my nervous system to do something for an hour that it finds so disagreeable.

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I am also learning that I have less capacity for running around doing things than your average bear, especially as I get older. I've long been aware that one social day must be followed by a do-nothing day, but as I now experiment with the gradual dropping of obligations (first book club, then church), I'm finding that 50% less than before is still too much. I'm casting a glance over at my partner and my close friend, John. Both of them shy away from long-term planning in favor of seeing how they feel the day before or the morning of a (penciled in) commitment. Less ink, more pencil is what I need now.

Today was a staycation day.  These are the most wondrous of all days, whole blocks of time when I do not rise to an alarm clock and do not have anywhere to be or anyone who will text or call. I get the time all to myself, and it is the sweetest indulgence in the world--much less stressful than a vacation because I know the language, know this city, and know my own comfortable bed is waiting for me at the end of it.

Today started with Mandarin practice, breakfast, blogging, and a trip to a church to hand over tax documents to AARP volunteers. Kind James coached me into reporting expenses that resulted in my first-ever itemized list qualifying me for a tax break instead of the standard deduction!

I stopped for caffeine at a gourmet coffee shop where people relax in club chairs and on loveseats around rough hewn wooden coffee tables. After dipping into an Asian grocery and the store that sells me my maca powder, I came home for lunch number five out of five that I had prepared on Sunday last. These are the things I value and want time for--healthful meals made from scratch, as this InstantPot meal of sweet potato, shiitake mushrooms, bok choy, and fried tofu topped with a miso-tahini sauce and toasted sesame seeds was. This is how I say, "I love you" to myself.

On the spur of the moment, I decided to see if my favorite nail salon had an opening, as tomorrow is symphony night, and I'll be wearing open-toed fancy shoes. I was fortunate this time to get one of the more seasoned pedicurists, and he did a wonderful job conditioning my callused old feet before making my toenails the color of mother-of-pearl. While he rasped and snipped, massaged and oiled, I lost myself in the novel I'm reading, The Last Chinese Chef by Nicole Mones, author of Lost in Translation. 

Once upon a time, I would not even allow myself a pedicure because it felt anti-feminist. It's amazing how many different ways I have found to should all over myself throughout my life.

Back home, I unpacked the Asian store purchases; for $1.79, I had bought a rose revitalizing face pack. Ah, more spa day treatment!

It's nice to be blogging again, but I have to be mindful not to allow this blog to become my next master. One reason I dropped Fakebook is because it had become a master. I felt compelled to answer every single message and react with some emoji to every single comment. There were at least 25 per day.

Next up is a movie and dinner date with my love, not planned, but suggested just an hour ago. Inclement weather might be brewing. Hmmmm.